People say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.
I disagree. I know what I have.
Perhaps it’s not knowing how you got what you have, and not knowing if it’s what you want at all.
In some instances, I didn’t know that this was what I wanted. In fact, in a lot of ways, falling in love with someone was the last thing I was looking for. Moving to England wasn’t anywhere in my horizon (although anywhere near Paris is good for me!). In fact, writing a novel was the only thing I dreamt about daily.
I appreciate what I have now because there were so many lost moments in my life, times of chaos and disconnect, and struggles before this. I remember being in my early twenties and thinking, wondering, if I had to go through all the hurt, poverty, and confusion in order to come out on top. I refused to believe that this were so. I truly believed that the only way to happiness did not have to be struggle and pain. I just didn’t know how to stop the cycle. Sometimes I still can’t believe I got out.
Without all that though, would I truly have been able to realize the greatness it feels to have found true love or the incredible freedom to be able to live and do what I love without really having to worry about money? Does Paris Hilton appreciate the money she has always had? Can anyone with parents still married truly understand how lucky they are? Or do you have to lose it first?
I remember as a child feeling like I could never fully show my gratitude for people and what they did for me. I was constantly thanking over and over again, wanting to make gifts for people to show my appreciation and never feeling like it was enough. I remember envying the British because it seemed they had learned to say thank you without any guilt attached. The words needn’t even be uttered because a blink of the eyes or a touch of the hand told it all. That was the way I saw it at least through the films I watched. I wanted to be like that.
There was a moment a couple of years ago when I looked up, and thought, I’m finished with this path of discontent. I want to be happy; I want to have money; and I want to get in shape. I refused to continue this cycle. Because, of course I knew somehow I was doing it to myself.
The way I found it is all a bit spiritual and psychic, but it happened for a reason. My mom’s friend, Joy, does angel readings and is an intuitive visual healing artist. She told me to take this telecourse by Crystal Andrus because the “angels were talking very loudly” in her ears. I swear to God, it worked. It was after this telecourse that I was working out with a personal trainer, I stopped going out to the bad-chi ridden clubs, got the highest paid job I’d ever had and focused on myself.
It was three months later that I met Jock. Eight months later that I moved to England and a year later that I began the novel I’m almost finished writing now.
It doesn’t stop there though. Every day I am aware that if I stop working on myself and the betterment of my life, it could all go away.
And I’m not panicked about it. I’m not freaked out. It’s just a fact of life for me. I want this life and I love this life. Things will go down (as they certainly have this year through adjusting to a new culture), but I know what I have before it’s gone. And, I think, for me, not for anyone else, but for me, it’s because I had to experience the other side first. Perhaps others don’t. Perhaps others can just be happy without ever feeling unhappiness. But it sure makes it sweeter for me having experienced both.
And that’s the most important thing.